My Story - The Beginning

When you are struggling with something, I think it's helpful to hear another's story that might relate to what you are experiencing.  Identifying with another can bring comfort, inspiration and hope.  It also can ease feelings of loneliness, isolation and most of all, sadness because there is sharing...and sharing is caring.

While I did not struggle with "infertility" per se, I did experience a rather very rocky road to my now 2 year old son Leo.  I will share this story in detail over several blog posts intermingled with interesting Mercier Therapy topics.

THE VERY BEGINNING:

Shortly before I married my childless husband in 2009, he announced he had a change of heart and mind and was no longer interested in having children.  At all.  I was devastated but accepted his wishes.  I mourned this "loss" for quite some time but ultimately had to surrender because I was robbing myself of  living let alone living happily.

It was an early Friday morning in January of 2011 when my husband came over to me not yet out of bed yet.  "I want to have a baby", he says.  Surely he must have just said he has rabies.  How could this be ?  "I want to have a baby" , he says again.   He had my attention and I told him I was listening.  Intently.

We got pregnant in July of 2011 without even "trying".  We hear this a lot, don't we ? It always seems to happen when there is zero effort involved.  When there are no graphs, charts, sticks, thermometers, calendars and so forth.    I was training for my 13th Figure (bodybuilding) competition and couldn't (at the time) understand why on Earth my physique was not changing the way it was supposed to or usually does.  I really should not have gotten on stage not being as lean as I should have been.   I am sure my trainer thought I was secretly downing donuts.  Remarkably, I placed and was off to Maine for a post show summer vacation and it was there I discovered I was pregnant.

At the end of September, the 28th to be exact, I was just about 11 weeks along and we excitedly went in for an ultrasound.  I remember the gaze of the technician staring at the screen.  It was a peculiar gaze; she was focusing very hard as I chattered away requesting a photo of our little bean.  She gave me a couple of pictures and stepped out of the room.  Not long after she returned and told me that my  Dr. (OB) was on the phone.  

"Meredith".  Her voice was kind but firm. "There is no heartbeat". The baby I had prayer for - for so long was not meant to be.  The Dr. told me my body would naturally 'take care of itself' and I don't recall what else she said other than her condolences, I was deafened by my own sobs.  My husband grabbed the photos and threw them in the trash.