My Story - The In Between

Remarkably, the day my Dr. told me this devastating news, my body let go immediately and I began the natural process of miscarriage.  I was extremely emotionally sensitive for quite a while following and by the end of October, my body seemed to be returning to "normal".

On Tuesday, November 1, which also happened to be my 2nd wedding anniversary - I was sitting with my Meditation teacher Bob (this happened to be an impromptu session between my therapy clients). I recall looking at my watch and telling him I had 5 minutes before I had to go back to the office.  Within a minute of communicating that, in the blink of an eye, I was suddenly sitting in a puddle.  Alarmed, I jumped up and (sorry for the graphics) the chair was covered in blood.  I bolted to the bathroom, which mercifully was just a few steps away and made it to the toilet.  The blood was pouring, I mean p-o-u-r-i-n-g out of me.   Slumped over on the toilet and just prior to me losing consciousness, I managed to preserve (by flinging it into the sink) the brand new, snow white North Face Fleece jacket my husband had just bought for me.  Because saving the coat was paramount, right? Geesh.

I came to on the flat on my back savoring how cool and wonderful the bathroom tile felt.  There was an EMT smiling over me.  He told me I had lost a lot of blood and my blood pressure was dangerously low and I would be lifted onto a stretcher shortly.  I remember being concerned about him straining his back and that I'll just get up.  Really, Meredith.  A caregiver has such a hard time being cared for !  The ambulance ride was brief and I recall asking incredulously "Are those sirens for me ?!"  "Lights too", says the EMT with a grin.  

We arrived at the ER of Newport Hospital and one of ER nurses that met me in the room I was wheeled into just happened to be one of my clients.  Well, that's how it is when you live on a small island !  I was grateful it was SHE ! and she could not have been more wonderful.   I had a transvaginal ultrasound and it revealed that there was more necrotic placenta attached to my uterus.  What had happened was - some dead tissue or "fetal remains" had detached from my uterus and pretty much tore the lining resulting in the almost massive hemorrhage.  I would need a D & C to clear the rest of my insides up.  That procedure was scheduled 3 days later on Friday.

I was very weak coming out of the D&C.  I learned that my procedure involved a period of "uncontrollable bleeding".  A hemorrhage on the table.  My hemoglobin fell to 5.3 and I had been real close to a blood transfusion.  I had lost a tremendous amount of blood in a very short amount of time.  The Dr. told me getting pregnant would have to wait.  I did not have enough red blood cells to put a load of laundry in let alone resume any kind of pursual of pregnancy.  My husband was traumatized and did think he could go thru anything like this again.  He did not want to try again.  I really can't articulate the ocean of emotions I was feeling at the time.  The ultimate and most resounding one was fear.  Terrorizing fear that I've lost my chance at a love child with my husband.